Doug Loves Sarah, Week 4 of 52

The (Written) Lack of a Beginning?

It surprises me. Digging through all my old records, journals, Livejournal Archives, and more, I have found so very little about the beginning of mine and Sarah's relationship, by which I mean the pre-dating build up of intense friendship over about 4 months. This is an issue compounded by a series of events, I am sure. Not only have I switched computers, but have been through mutliple hard drive crashes. The website that I stored my journal on disappeared during one of these, losing that. My livejournal went through a dead spot about that time. The e-mail account I used at the time is dead and deleted, now. There was this intense sort of "hell" going down in all of my personal relationships. It is actually hard for me to pinpoint when I wrote what poem about whom. In some ways, a lot of the poems include Sarah in the sentiment. It is just hard for me to say "Yes! That is DEFINITELY about her."

The earliest mention of her is in a letter I wrote to a friend. This letter, too, has been corrupted, and so fun's-sake I will leave it as is to show how annoying my search has been: "Sarah has moved in and the two of us are getting along well. She, heh, is also drifting towards "Doug is the big brother that I never had" sentiment...but it seems completely unstrained with her. Though she does not mind the other roommates, the two of us tend to spend a good deal of our time together in the same room...almost like friends at a slumber party or something. I am sure we will get tired of each other eventually, but for now it is nice to have some one to talk about depression and about various geek things and whatnot. I have apparently already inspired some jealousy in her boyfriend. Maybe even a lot of jealousy in her boyfriend. I also have been commissioned by him and her family to take care of her."

The only other source of early sentiments of friendships comes from Sarah's old Hotmail account. I found an e-mail dated April 18, 2003 in which I bring up the idea of her moving in. I remember, a little, that I mentioned it to her first in an encounter that I will later discuss on this website, so I will leave that be.

The earliest shared e-mail was March 13, 2003. For the next couple of weeks, the saved e-mail is almost entirely poetry that I sent her as part of my poetry list.

Almost all of the early e-mails saved by her were either forwards, or dealing with her moving in (a subject I will turn to next week, I think). There are occasional flirtations (like "Now, I can cook some spaghetti or something if you want something to eat. Or provide myself as a punching bag if your test did not go well.") But it tends to be inane chatter.

An occasionally question or two about how Daniel is handling things. Increased amount of discussions about how her depression was around the corner.

The first poem that I wrote sort of about Sarah, in that it was inpsired after talking to her but wasn't really a love poem to her, began with this verse:

Honeysuckle love in the air like dew Un fallen Mist resonating Inbetween this path I walk In pain and hope And heaven's pinpoint cosmonauts (lightyears ago) fading as newlightbreak is slowly actualy realized.

The first emotionally deep e-mail shared between us, that wasn't me just sort of spouting at the keyboard, was May 26, 2003. It was her giving me advice on why my love life sucks. She suggested that I might hit it off with a friend of hers (names withheld to protect the innocent). An overall strange, ironic overture to what would come.

About that time, she sent out a reverse quiz in which one of the questions was "Do you have a crush on me?" and my answer was "I do not think I am allowed to answer this. Heh, I do not have a crush on you...but I do consider you one of the most attractive people I know in both mental and physical aspects."

To bring this to a close, the closest I have to an indication of honest shifts in the relationship came in an e-mail I sent Sarah on June 24, 2003. Apparently, I had been talking to her and mentioned how she seemed to be overly blaming herself. This happened to correspond precisely with a mood she had been in, and I think this had a lot to do with us talking to one another so much over the next couple of months.

I will end there, but I just wanted to point out that so much of our early, pre-dating relationship is an unknown. I am able to piece parts of it back together, but very few. This is odd for me, since I tend to chronicle just about everything, but I suppose that is the way it goes.