Doug Loves Sarah #28, 20 September 2007

Goodbye

This one won't be easy to write, and so most of it will go unwritten. Its a path of least resistence thing. Let's just say that there are some thoughts in a relationship that must be addressed though they are never comfortable to address.

One such thought might be that you find your wife's older sister hotter than she is. You simply do not bring it up.

On a more serious note, it goes like this. Saying goodbye to my father at his funeral earlier this summer made me realize that couples dying at the same time is something akin to winning the lottery. It just does not happen. It does happen, to other people, on the news or in your family's book of sad stories, but never to you. Never to me. Never to Sarah.

One of us has to go first. You know what I think of that? Its shit. That's what it is. You want to know the sad thing. I hope she goes first. I can't think of her lugging my dead body anywhere. Seeing me lifeless. I can't bear the thought of causing her pain. So, well, here's hoping that I am a complete jerk to her in the declining years and she rejoices that I am gone.

And I know it is heartless and a dark thing to say but I just have to say, the idea of her suffering because I am gone is probably the only real thought that has ever made me wonder if I made a mistake getting married. You can say I took it poorly. Sure I did. But I hate the thought of abandoning her. I have not been able to sleep in months thinking about issues like this. Like I am trying to atone for the sin that I have yet to commit.

And honestly, nine times on the ten...there is no chance to say goodbye, no chance to say I love you. Chances are, it will just be some random day.

I know she knows, but you know...I don't know. I just don't know.